If you have kids you know that with kids (fortunately or unfortunately, you choose) comes new perspective on life. A new love for everything. A new kind of love. Your body does this amazing thing! It creates this life out of something you can't even see without the help of science. All babies are a miracle and some are more miraculous than others (in a how you came to be or got here or whatever the case may be) Some just come without issues, some give you a little bit of a scare. Some take a long time and some can't wait to get here! The amazing thing about babies is that they are all different and with each one you change a little more.
When I was a teenager I Loved Life! I wanted to experience everything! I was always with friends and HATED to be alone! I couldn't stand the thought of it. I Hated silence and was bored very easily! Some of that has not changed. I still don't like to be alone and I still get bored easily. I now enjoy silence but in very small portions (not more than 5 or 10 mins) The noise I enjoy has changed though, the laughter of children, the silence of a cry, the sound of "Lub Ooos" from little voices, the tiny "Hi" that greets me when I open the door after every nap. I love so many things about my little miracles!
Part of me longs for the person I was before I had kids. The "fun" me. I miss being able to go out and not even think twice that it was 10pm! I miss sleeping in past 9am! I miss the spontaneous, just throw a couple t shirts and a pair of jeans in a suitcase and go trips. I miss being able to get my hair cut without trying to find a babysitter. I miss being able to do whatever, whenever, wherever. I miss my body. There is a lot of "pre-kid" stuff I miss.
There is a lot I don't. I don't miss feeling left out of all the "mom stuff". I don't miss feeling like a kid in a room full of parents. I don't miss working. I don't miss the constant need for radio or TV, cuz let's face it...kids make enough noise. I don't miss the acne!!
In my search to find out who I am as a mother I have learned several things.
I am to paranoid to not vaccinate. I am not good at time outs. I don't mind the mess that kids make. I am horrible at making my kids pick up their messes. I am not good at routines. I still like to take them on spontaneous trips, it just takes a little longer. I love to watch them sleep in the car at night. I am willing to be pushed out of bed if it means that he finally sleeps at night. I don't care if they watch movies all day if it means I can get dishes and laundry done. I don't see anything wrong with top ramen and peas for dinner. Sometimes, we have cake for breakfast.
Being a parent is hard. It's the hardest job out there. It's 24/7 with no lunch breaks! Don't get me wrong you GET lunch, it's just a little different and you have to clean up more than just you when it's done. When you become a parent you become ALL professions. For example today I was a Dr., chef, janitor, pillow, a sense of security, friend, referee, maid, teacher, scientist, barber, speech therapist, and an expert in tractors. And that's just to name a few.
We moved to be closer to the house while we build it which has made it nice for building but obviously we moved from our friends. And making friends is hard! We've only been to church once due to different circumstances so I don't know anyone in our ward and everyone that we are building with lives no where close to us. It's the first time in a very long time I have felt like I don't have any friends! All though I'm with my kids every day, it's hard to hold a decent conversation with someone that tells you what they want by grunting! And although I'm thankful for Alexander Graham Bell inventing the telephone there is just something about having a friend in your living room to talk to face to face.
I Love my kids and I love all the things they teach me. I just need to learn how to figure out how to love the new person I've become. I used to be fun, now all I do is sit at home cook, clean and make sure no one spins themselves into a glass door! Do I need a new hair cut?! Do I need to find a gym?! Do I need to find a new group of friends?! I need to find time for ME! I think that's something that is often overlooked. We get so wrapped up in taking care of our kids that we forget to take care of ourselves and then get lost. So off I go to continue my quest of figuring out just who I am, not as a mother (I think I've got a pretty good hold on that one....i think) but as a person! I know who Sonya Bendixsen is...or was....who is Sonya Buchanan?!
Our first backyard pic-nic
